dr_ncorrigible

10:20 pm: The Day After Tomorrow
If by chance you fall asleep,
fast asleep,
you are in the land of the dead
and life is passing you by
so rapidly
you want to grab out
but can't
and yet time is so slow
you are anxious
and before you know it
grains of sand
though tiny and soft
become mountains

suddenly some jolt
of life-giving force
opens your eyes
and you see yourself in the valley
of an unsurmountable mountain
but life is futile
so you begin your work
grain by grain
step by step
the work of Sisyphus
isn't easy
but before you know it
you have moved mountains

07:53 pm: Pearl Harbor
one hand two hands click click click
gone gone going began
how did this begin?
somewhere in the height of excitement
lies the void of all energy

then we are as we began
confused confusing fumbling
walking thinking sitting
the hours use us for their muses
we are blind; where are we going?

seperated from the moment
the second is eternity
filling minds with
words words words words

we are young instinct says
greed speed and ambition are natural
and yet are strange to the blind traveler
gone gone going began
one hand two hands click click click

03:02 pm: Gloom
Today I am not sad, I am not despairing, but yet today is gloomy. Nothing seems interesting, intriguing, or motivating. I am depressed. It is like taking the color out of the most colorful flower or depleting ice cream of coldness and sweetness. Otherdays, I might morn such a loss but today I feel content. I am slightly stressed knowing today could set me behind another day of school. Part of me does feel sad that my love is in a different place, and I miss him. The question I often want to know when I meet an interesting person is, what do they do on days like today, when everything seems uneventful, gray, and boring. I am beginning to also get irritated by my peers. Why this is, I am not sure. Probably also a symptom of my underlying apathy. A feeling of agitation. I wonder about social structure and why it exists. How some people would rather take up a big task on their own, rather than have assistance just so they can be credited with the task. Also, why some people guard their ideas with such a vice that they choose to be offended rather than try to see another point of view. Classes are another source of despairity. Details, details, details. I feel like I am surrounded by details, swimming in details, barely poking my nostrils above the details to inhale. Ahhhh.. it is sweet to be alive. And yet, I am suffocating under the weight of the brachial plexus, buckling under the pressure of thousands of details, action potentials, muscle fibers, tropomyosin, sarcoplasmic reticulum, and on and on only to break under the touch of the lightest feather. Still, I am strong, I must push on. I am climbing a mountain, and the more I can take in, the very memory of the things presented here are only the basics. I need the basics for beloved analysis, without which every day will be a blur just as today, of facts, details, formulas. So, I am caught in a catch 22, a paradox.

04:09 pm: The goals of medicine
I think I am going to love Psychiatry. Today, in class, I was telling a friend about my physiology of orgasm paper. He jokingly said, "You're some kind of pervert, aren't you?" Well, there is a truth to every joke, and the subtelty implied was a questioning of my study of the topic. This forced me to think about it. Was I some kind of pervert? Then, a silmultaneous interpersion of psychiatry (as I was in class). Why was I fascinated with mental disease? Does this somehow mean that I have a mental disease? Perhaps I do, but then, maybe everyone does sometime in their life. Judging by the snickers in the back of the classroom during the class video, there were clearly some unempathetic classmates. This made me realize that while some experience is directly personal, other is experienced through interpersonal interaction. So, the empathy I feel for people with mental illness is directly related to my interest. Comparatively, I believe my interest in sexual function (and dysfunction) is dually personally and interperonally related. Finally.. a greater conclusion as to my interest and motivations in medicine. A similar question: Am I here to study illness because I want to cure my own sickness or to cure others? In complete honesty, it is probably a little of both. "You're some kind of pervert, aren't you?" My response: Yes, but my interest also arises from the fact that you are, too.

01:39 pm: Hungover But Happy
Wow. What a crazy and yet fantabulous night. It seems everyone thought I was wasted. I just have a really good time when I go out, regardless of how much I drink. The funniest thing ever was pulling up to the tollbooth in our schoolbus full of drunk people walking around. I cannot believe we did not get pulled over.
Strange thing yesterday after exams.. feeling let down that is was all over. I was all pumped and then, like a deflated balloon, sank into my bed to recharge.
So I think today is one of the laziest days I've had since undergrad. It is great. It is 2:42 and I am still in pjs.

10:37 pm: Negative on the Negativity
What's the deal with all this med school negativity? Everybody complaining about everyone. Aren't we supposed to be here for love of humanity and compassion. Well, on a more positive note, I just picked up my "palpate this" shirt, which really no one outside of the DO profession will understand. Yet, it is still fun. Kinda like having a secret language. I have found that I am astounded at how much one person can actually study. Also, surprised at the "screw you" psyche that accompanies stuffing the brain to capacity, at which it cries in pain and simultaneously goes on strike. No sleep/destroying circadian rythm is also an interesting phenomenon. The body gets to a point where it decides, yes we are sleeping now at about 12pm, but then no we are not sleeping now anytime between 11pm-3am.